...dream, perservere, and succeed...

I've been thinking a lot about the future. I'm certainly planning on going back to medical school, but have nearly two years until I can go back. That's a lot of time. Doing research in the meantime is great and all, but I feel like it's not enough. One thing that I've really considered over the years has been getting an MD/PhD degree. I think it would be awesome to be able to care for patients and keep up with the research end of the field, and it would definitely be something I'd like to do. So I'm planning on using the next year (starting in fall 2010) to get a head start on my PhD. I'm planning on applying as a graduate student at KU, and spending the year working on a research project and taking courses toward my PhD. Why not? I mean, I actually miss studying, lol, and feel like just working in basic research isn't "enough". I'm going to take the GRE in a few weeks from now, so am going to start cramming for that. I do well on standardized tests so think I should be fine, and as for the biology subject test, I have a really solid grasp of the field so think I'd be fine as long as I do some reviewing. Althoug I'm dissappointed about having to take so much time away from medical school, I'm kind of excited about this. It will be interesting anyway! I think I should be alright with letters of recommendation... I don't really have any professors from undergrad that I've stayed in touch with, which kinda sucks, but I have my boss that I'm working for now, as well as another researcher that I did research with last summer, and... as for a third, I'm not sure yet; there's another PhD guy that works in my lab and I've worked along side him soo he might be good for one. Other than that I'm not sure. I had some great ones for medical school letters of recommendations... highly reputed professors, doctors I'd worked with, etc., which really helped me out. So I'm a little nervous about not having that strong of letters. But we'll see! I have aproximately 2 months to get it all sorted out, so need to get crackin'! Wish me luck :)

Ever since last weekend's big date, things have really been going well. We really hit it off... we talked for HOURS and had a great time, he was so nice and funny... and pretty cute :) So we've hung out twice since then and I'm looking forward to spending more time with him! I'm really nervous about the food stuff, though. We're going out to dinner for the first time on friday night, and I'm already really worrying over it! I'm debating whether to just order something safe and risk him nagging me about it or worrying about it (yeah, everyone definitely knows about the ed, so it's no big secret), or be really courageous and try to order something that seems less "diet-ish". Who knows. I'm trying to look at menus and figure out what would be the most comfortable. We'll see! But I really enjoy spending time with him and talking to him sooo hopefully I'll be comfortable having him there for support.

I got my halloween costume! I'm going to a friend's party saturday night...

It's supposed to be Tinkerbell. Oh yeah, there are wings, too, but I forgot to put them on and am WAY TOO FREEZING to put it on again! I'm going to freeze my ass off this weekend! I don't typically drink anymore but may have to just to stay warm, lol

Research stuff is going pretty well... sort of "same old same old" some days buuut that's the way life works! I'm ready to be back in school, though! Ugh, if it weren't for the ED I'd be a few months into my 3rd year of medical school now. I feel like I'm losing so much time. Eh, nothing I can do to change the past. Gotta focus on the future :)

Random. New pics.
I'm on the left....

I actually went on a date last night. I've been really apprehensive about getting back into the dating scene ever since I broke up with Scott a few months ago (who I'd been with for a loonnng time). So I haven't been on a "real" date for ages! It was soo nice to actually say YES for once instead of making up bad excuses like usual. I was realy anxious about it but it ended up going so well! We went out for coffee and ended up talking for hours. He was so nice and funny and I just really enjoyed the time with him... something which I haven't done in way too long! We're getting together next weekend... but one thing that has me worried is that we're going out to dinner. I'm already really anxious about it. Eating out is tough, eating in public is difficult, worrying about what people think about my eating is difficult, hell, eating in itself is a struggle. So I'm really nervous about that. Buuut trying my hardest to chill out. I see my therapist twice this week so hopefully she can help me prepare. I'm supposed to be going out with some friends in a bit tonight, but might just call it a night. I'm exausted, it's freezing out, and I have a lot to do tomorrow. So we'll see. I'll probably stay in though!

I've felt like such a mess lately. It's driving me crazy. My motivation for recovery has just been sooo... absent. The thing that was my number one motivation is sort of gone now, and I'm having trouble finding anything else to make me want to recover. I've been out of treatment for a little over a month and have already lost most of the weight I gained in the 3 months I was there... I feel like it was just such a waste. Eating is harder than ever and I'm just so addicted to the gym... I don't know, it's just driving me crazy. And I'm just so unhappy. I thought part of it was because I was isolating so much and lonely, but I went out thursday night, friday night, and saturday night, and spent sunday with some friends, yet feel more alone than ever. I don't want to go anywhere but don't want to be at home. I don't want to be in my body. Ugh.

Wow, it's been a while since I've updated. I suppose this is long overdue...

The past 7 months since I last updated have been rather turbulent. I was at Renfrew for a while, although ended up leaving AMA. I had a pretty bad relapse soon after I left, and really fell back into the eating disorder. Things finally reached a breaking point, and I finally gave in and admitted that I needed more help or I was going to die. Soo I was admitted to another treatment center, where I spend 3 months. It was a long road, but I think it was helpful. I finally had to leave because my insurance wasn't covering anymore, which was a bit of a problem for several reasons. First, my weight was really low when I went in and the weight gain process was very slow. They took more of an eased approach to the physical restoration, and I only gained about a pound a week for most of the time, so still had a lot of weight that I'm supposed to gain to get to 90% of my IBW. But my treatment team at home was willing to at least work with me, although they've been really cracking down, and I've had to sign a contract that I would gain at least .5lbs a week. So far I've gone in the wrong direction, so am getting nervous that they won't work with me unless I turn thinsg around.

In terms of medical school, things have been a mess. I was initially supposed to go back to start my second year this August. Since I was in treatment at that point, that didn't work out. They DID decide that, as long as I completed treatment and was doing well, that I would be able to return in fall of 2010. Yay! Uhh, no. Unfortunately, since I left treatment before completing the program, they revoked the decision, and are now saying I'm not allowed to return next year. I've been sooo depressed about it and so icnredibly crushed. I'm so passionate about going into medicine and feel like my dream is being ripped away from me. Granted, I can still reapply and have a good chance of eventually getting back in (same school or perhaps somewhere else), but feel like I've wasted years of hard work for nothing in return. I'm so frustrated, angry, upset, just... at a loss. Sooo right now I'm considering my options. I have a good research position right now to keep me busy for the next year, and am planning on retaking the MCAT soon, getting involved in some clinical experience again, and reapplying and hoping to start in 2011. I don't know what to do with myself until then, I'm already bored. I'm so future driven and have to have something to focus on, and just feel so empty without it. I've considered going to graduate school for the next year and then applying and hoping to go back to medical school at that point, who knows. Place where I keep coming up short is fucking recommendation letters. I've lost contact with all my professors and don't have a lot of people in my life that I could get decent letters from. Frustrating. Wish me luck..

As for recovery, I don't know what I want. When I first got the "no" about going back to medical school, I was like FUCK RECOVERY, that was my only motivation for getting better, so screw it. But then again, it's like, wow, this disease got me into this mess in the first place, I gotta fight back. So I'm trying to hold onto that anger and use it as motivation...

Leaving for Renfew soon.. ahh! 

I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE some mail from anyone who's up for it! A little compassion and cheering up could go a long way :) Here's the address...

Nancy Stiles
c/o Renfrew Center
7700 Renfrew Lane
Coconut Creek, FL 33073


XOXO!!!

I'm going insane right now. I feel really alone... I recently got out of a long relationship with the bf, I've been pushing all my friends aside, family as well, just not really wanting to be social and not really opening up... on a leave of absence from medical school so I feel distant from my classmates. I just feel so unproductive and worthless. I know I'll be back to school before long and I know I could start rebuilding relationships and letting people back into my life, yet it's like I just don't know what I want. Then I'm terrified about going back to treatment next week and that's making me more of a mess. I'm jumping out of my skin here!

So looks like I'm going BACK to Renfrew. I'm frustrated. I know I need to. And especially if I plan on keeping my status as a medical student, heh. Otherwise, odds are, I'll end up kicked out... which is the last thing I want. I'm so ambivalent about getting better and terrified of gaining weight, and know I'm going to end up being forced to gain a ton... again. I've dropped a lot since I last got out of treatment and it's just becoming this cycle... gain some in treatment, lose it at home, gain it back, lose it. I know I'm porbably jacking up my body. Yet now I'm thinking "well I've gotta drop as much as I can before I go back..", not a good mindset. I'm just so... stuck.

Over the past school year, one thing I have to admit is my workouts have been seriously minimized! The time consuming, strenous curriculum of medical school leaves a serious lack of time for all the other things in life. Exercise included! Although I'm managed to stick with a small amount of training, although intermittently, I've definitely gotten out of shape! 

So, this summer, I'm really going to focus on building my strength and endurance, both in swimming and running.

I guess today commences my first "official" day of training! I'm headed for a swim workout in a bit, not sure yet how far I'm going to do, although the other day I swam for the first time in several weeks, and 1000 meters had me pretty beat and a little sore the next day! So I'm setting that as my minimum, and hope to build from that. Today I'm thinking of doing between 1,000 meters and 1,500 meters, plus some light jogging. My knees have been pretty bad over the past few years, thank you gymnastic and compuslive exercise, so I'm trying to make myself take it slow. Probably only around a mile today, just to really take it easy; I'm setting a maximum of two miles, because knowing me, I'm likely to take it too far, lol.

Today I'm not doing any weight training, but plan on starting that soon.

I'll update later on how it goes!

Oh, food wise, I'm NOT wanting to lose now.. I'm sitting at 85lbs, and would liek to stay at about that weight. With minimal exercise, I've been maintaining on around 1,000 calories a day, and on workout days, will be upping that a bit. Today I'm shooting for 1,300. I usually eat a lot of lean protein, veggies, and some fruit, and plan on getting the extra 300 for the day with a yogurt cup, a banana, and an "EAS advantage protein shake"... 110 calories and 17 grams of protein! Can't beat that.

More to come :-)

Given it's been nearly 3 years since I've updated, I suppose it's about time to do so again!

So, synopsis of my life these days.

Graduated from KU about a year ago with B.A.s in biochemistry and psychology. Fall 2007, I started medical school at KU... and the year has absolutely flown by! I can hardly believe it's already over. It's been filled with a heck of a lot of studying and stress, quite a bit of intriguing clinical experience, the opportunity to meet many wonderful new people, including the incredible diversity and wonderful talent and personality among my classmates, a number of wonderful mentors in mentors and clinical leaders, and so much more. Not to mention time to enjoy life... the night life, the post-test celebrations, formals, and other random parties and bar nights. Who says medical students don't still like to party? I feel like I've learned so much, from the classroom and from the patients with which I've had opportunities to work with. Now... one yaer down, four to go. And then residency... it will be a while!

For the past year, I've been dating an amazing guy that I feel lucky to have the chance to be with.. Scott. Although not a medical student, he's been so understanding of my lack of time, and has been incredibly supportive, loving, and a best friend and more than I could ask for. I'd say he's a keeper :-) He just finished up his masters in education, and will be starting a position teaching high school chemistry (we're both nerds, eh?).

As for the eating disorder... well, I'll say I had made a little bit of progress toward recovery throughout the year before starting school, although with the fall came relapse. Since then, I spend a few months slowly sinking back into anorexia and hitting a bit of a "sick" point... although was able to take control before anything "bad" happened, and have been in a healthier place mentally since then... although not sure I'm quite ready for recovery at this point. So we'll see...

Enough for now :-)

Ahh. Back to school. Oh joy! I'm so glad to be back on campus, though, I've missed the night life haha! Not to mention living at home for the summer got a little old, as I'm sure you can imagine. I love our new apartment, it's so cute, I'm so excited we're living here this year.. it's gonna be crazy! Classes started yesterday.. not bad.. so far ;) I'm only taking 17 credit hours this year and the only "hard" class is organic chem.. and maybe developmental bio but the rest are psych classes and some humanities class which should be a breeze.. hey, more time to party.. err.. study for the mcats and volunteer and various other joyous pre med junk. Last night was nuts, I saw one of my teachers from last year at this bar.. kind of young and cool I guess but that was WEIRD, and he started talking about how he'd write me recomendations for med school apps.. hmm, perhaps having someone who doesn't party (hmm, and apprently get wasted, lol) with his students would be a better bet! I'm nervvvvous, I'm supposed to meet with one of my psych professors to start working on my thesis next week, then I have a interview at this hospital to start volunteering and apparently they're really "picky".. ahh we're just volunteers, it's not like we're going to be treating the patients :-P A few of my friends are interviewing too so that should be fun! Wow.. I turn 21 in a little over a month.. as do 2 of my roommates.. this could be interesting!! I'm headed to class.. so this will have to wrap up my every-2-months-update. LOVE YA!

Ahh, how I love summer! It's been sooo nice so far, I'm lovin it. I miss brad, though! Hopefully we'll get to see each other soon, though! But hey it's always nice to have a little, hmm, non-committimental parting, lol. Which there's been plenty of! It's so nice not to have to study! I've been so lazy, haha, but hey, we all get a break, right? Last night a bunch of us just chilled with some people from high school that I hadn't seen in ages, it was so fun! Tonight we're supposed to be going to my lake house but it's pouuurrrring, and that wouldn't be so great, haha, might want to hold that one off until tomorrow!

I'm totally excited, when I was younger my parents had a little cabin by this other lake in big bear, cali but sold it a few years ago.. sadness! However this weekend they were up there and are buying a new one.. I'm soooo excited I LOVE IT up there!! So hopefully they'll let me go up there with some friends soon.. I'm not sure I could handle a family vacation right now, haha, but I could DEFINITELY use a few days of partying far away from the midwest!

Ugh, last night I DID end up getting a little stupid with my ex though, heh, wasn't planning on that one.. but hey, if certain people don't find out, it won't hurt them, right..? Hmm, I have to go take a drug test now haha, hrmmm, hopefully I'm in the clear.. but considering it's the last day I can go, hopefully we're good ;)

Ugh, ED wise things have been a little.. sketch. My mom's been on my case like CRAZY, constantly trying to get me to sit down and eat with them or go out to eat or the whole "you have to eat something before you can leave!" thing.. it's driving me nuts! Any motivation I had for recovery is DEFINITELY gone, haha, I think the only thing driving that was the whole eating enough to do well in school. Blah. Oh well it's only a few months, lol. I did end up with a 4.0 though, wooohoooo, so I guess that paid off! I was SO worried I'd end up with a B for my English class because my teacher was a giant DYKE when it came to grading and apparently (and yes, he said this, lol) wasn't a fan of the 'spoiled rich girls in mini skirts infiltrating our campus', and I think that may have influenced his grading for about 1/4 the class.. can we say major ass hole? but hey I worked my ass off and was not going to get a B because my teacher sucked, lol.

Hmm.. drug test time! haha, then it's back to the diet pills and, hmm, other unnatural substances without having to worry :-P

Love, Nancy

Wow. This semester is in serious need of ending. I have had SO much crap to do lately.. wow, I'm going crazy! I can't *wait* for summer! I have a few tests next week and then the next week is finals.. ick.. hmm someone please come lock me in my room this weekend to study! Haha, not that that isn't like ALL I've been doing lately. The only 'fun' I've had a chance to have is going to brad's for like an hour last night and laying out with some friends for a while today. Hey, at least the weather's nice. I can't way for tomorrow night, though.. cinco de mayo.. hmm.. could be some craaazy wild fun. Apparely this one bar is making a big night of it and a bunch of my friends want to go, so that might have to be in the agenda ;) It seems like being stressed out always trips me right back into a relapse.. which has definately been going on this week. But the pathetic part is I don't even care.. it's like it's making me sort of euphoric.. or then again, perhaps that's the high levels of caffeine and, uhh, other stimulants, lol. But hey, gotta do what you gotta do. I suppose continually resceduling therapist and nutritionist appointments doesn't help much, but to be honest, it's never helped much anyway, and hey, who has time for that? (yet I have time to get on here and vent..). Right now I don't think I give a crap about recovering.. besides stress from school, I'm happy, feeling pretty good, so why bother :-P But considering I stayed in tonight to study, I should *probably* just kind of be doing that.. ta ta!

Soo wow, I just realized it's been, what, nearly a year and a half since I updated. Hmm.. let's just say a tad bit has changed since then! So I figured that, on the off chance that someone should happen to stumble upon my joutnal and actually be bored enough to read it (or, perhaps, as I'm doing now, willing to do anything to procrastinate studying for finals and writing papers..), I should do a quick catch-up.

Anyway.. Hmm, just now finishing up my sophomore year at KU. Last semester I changed the major from pre-physical therapy to pre-med/majoring in psychology/minoring in chemistry. Sounds exciting, eh? Hence, this has been one hell of a semester, loaded up with more than my fair share of science courses, but looks like I'm going to pull off a much-needed 4.0.. given that I don't bomb my finals next week. Hmm, socially, some how I've managed to squeeze in a good deal of the 'college life' and paryin' it up on weekends :) I've been dating someone new- Brad.. so far so good, he's an awesome guy and so much fun and so sweet and hey, what can I say, just irresistable. However, unforunately, he's from st louis, so after the semester's over, we'll be 3 hours apart :( Hey, a little 'break' over the summer won't hurt, lol.

Wow, now I feel like a big loser- tell me my life hasn't come down to nothing but studying and partying? Appears that way. I'll probably be lifeguarding this summer again.. hey, why not get paid to get a tan? Although back to living at home *sigh* 3 months with the 'rents. But a few friends and I got an AWESOME house for next year, I'm so excited.. so mid August will be something to look foward to :)

As for other aspects of my life, heh, seems like a lot of that has fallen out.. I'm not doing gymnastics anymore and haven't been able to maintain my gym-addiction, thanks to some lovely 'severe joint damage' to the knees.. although, that has given me the chance to take up swimming again. I've really been trying to work on the whole 'good citizen' thing (not to mention beef up my med school applications..) by volunteering a lot, etc, which always makes ya feel good :) But anyways, with that in mind, I should definately br cramming for finals right about now, so I'm off. Maybe I'll actually start updating more frequently than annually..